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Ebb & flow

 
For the past six months or so, I’d say since about late September, I’ve taken a very laid back approach to life. I was sick of being angry, confused, and overly attached so I simply changed my attitude towards life. Since then I’ve been in a 6 month state of ebbing and flowing. I’ve been taking things as they come and doing my best to accept loss with calm and dignity. Change, I figured, wouldn’t seem that scary that way. I actually have achieved an air of nonchalance that I’ve been looking for for years, And in fact, truth be told, I’ve probably been the happiest I’ve been (short of any time traveling). I’ve been more confident than ever before in my life. I’m more outgoing, and adventurous and I’ve been pushing my own boundaries.
However, it’s come to my attention that when ebbing and flowing is all well and good, you can’t do it forever because you’re likely to end up somewhere you don’t want to be.

For as great as everything is, for how much fun I’m having, for how much I adore my wonderful friends and love spending so much time with them, a lifestyle/attitude change needs to happen. There’s a handful of reasons I came to this decision, all too much to explain or none of other people’s business enough for me to keep it to cryptic LJ post generalizations.
I know I’ve complained about this on LJ before but what first comes to mind is that in all this super fun time, all this living in the moment has come at the cost of me having any ambition or direction in life. I went from going to school full time while working part time and working at Tablet part time and volunteering. Now I just work and play. It’s nice, but I miss the satisfaction of really doing something. 

Secondly, there’s the fact that I can feel things changing and I fear that if I stay the same on my own, I’m going to be left behind. Dynamics are changing, people I care dearly about are going to be moving on, but not away. I need to figure out what it is I want and start working for it too because I’m not going to be able to use the “I’m just being young” excuse forever. Despite all the great stories and the good times I need to pull in the reigns on myself as well. In addition to moving from an introvert to an extrovert in this time, I’ve also become a bit of a neurotic drunk. It’s like I’m going through a second teenagerhood, being selfish and crazy and more on the side of irresponsible. That definitely needs to be curbed. This doesn’t mean I’m going to give up game nights, or Dragonfish or the Dunnes or the PDX trip. It just means that I need to use a bit more moderation and make sure that I allow time for myself once in a while. It’s not that I have to stop being fun, I just have to stop making a constant ass of myself.

Finally it’s come to my attention that I don’t know what I want right now. On the one hand there’s the stuff I know I want as far as the writing/school/publishing thing but on the personal side, I’m at a complete loss of what knowing what it is I want. On the one hand I want to just have fun, be totally antonymous, perhaps even flirtatious and take advantage of my newly found confidence. However does that mean that I shouldn’t follow through should something different from the above come along? Is it necessarily good for me to ebb and flow in such a way that I use people and they use me in return until something better comes along? I don’t know. I’m completely lost on this one.
 
Anyway I’m going to work this all out. I’m going on holiday, have an awesome time and hopefully I will have figured out what I need to do to make whatever changes I need to make when I get back. I mean I’ve got some of it worked out, don’t go out as much, don’t spend as much money, try drinking in moderation, make time for myself and hold to it, make time for writing and start studying for the GRE and looking into grad school. That’s a lot right there before I even get to the other stuff that I haven’t figured out yet. * sigh*
 
That sounds very negative “don’t do this” and “Don’t do that” just because I’m going to make the effort to take some direction doesn’t mean I’m not going to still have fun. I’m still going to go out and paint the town red with the girls. I’ll be even more confidant once I have more direction and follow my ambition again, if anything I’m only changing things for the better. It’s time to make the fun I’ve had mean something by actually doing something with it, learning from what I’ve done and seen in this time and moving on to the next chapter in my life.
 
Word.
 
 

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( 6 comments — Leave a comment )
flyvapnet
Mar. 13th, 2007 02:55 am (UTC)
Good!
Thank you for sharing that assessment of your life, Mir. Judging by what you've written, I'd say you're on top of this problem. Best wishes and good luck! Forecasting is always difficult, but it seems to me you've the perception and savvy to figure out what's best for you and act accordingly.

=^..^=
pandapropaganda
Mar. 13th, 2007 04:15 pm (UTC)
Re: Good!
Thanks for your well wishes Mr. cat. I've been mulling all this over in my head for about a week or so now, but it's amazing how much clarity comes out when writing thoughts out and trying to structure them coherently better. Honestly the last optimistic bit came just from writing it out so I'm glad I did. :)
antigrl117
Mar. 13th, 2007 04:46 am (UTC)
I'm glad things are going well :-).

You know, if you ever want to volunteer again you should volunteer at Rise n Shine with me :-)
pandapropaganda
Mar. 13th, 2007 04:20 pm (UTC)
Thanks.

Rise and Shine? What's that, it sounds like I have to get up early. (har har)
antigrl117
Mar. 14th, 2007 03:13 am (UTC)
Only if you come to summer camp with me!

It's an non profit that serves kids and teens who are impacted by hiv/aids (someone in their family has it, there are a few kids in the org. that are infected).

The volunteering with them can be across the board, from helping out with events, to the week long summer camp to becoming a mentor to a child/teen. It is so awesome to work with them.
pandapropaganda
Mar. 14th, 2007 04:57 pm (UTC)
I don't know, man. I'm gonna sound like an ass to say this becasue it sounds like a really good organization helpin' with the aids and all but me and kids don't get on too well. Teenagers maybe but I'm not the best influence. Besude I would know how to consloe or talk to a teenager about the normal teen angst thing, but I woulnd't know what to say to console a teenager with aids. :/
( 6 comments — Leave a comment )

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