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I don’t like the anxiety that comes with a new year, along with my post-holidays-fuck-it’s-just-winter-and-it’s-dark-all-the-time-January-depression. I’m all conflicted. This is usually the time I get the traveling itch...and boy have I got it BAD! I want to use my passport. I want to get on a plane. By the end of this month it will have been a year ago since Raye and I went on holiday in Hawaii and I’m well overdue. It doesn’t help that Raye’s really excited about a Vegas trip she’s going on next month. Meanwhile I’m just dying here routinely checking Orbitz once a week for deals to London. I’m so terribly torn. I’m saving up (didn’t buy those boots or camera or anything) but I don’t know what for. I’ve got some ideas in mind. One would be to audit the Ireland Course through Seattle U. I wanted to take that course while I was in school but could only afford one and between Paris and Ireland, Pairs wins. I figured though as an alum I could audit it and still take it, though the thought of hanging out with 18-22 year olds sounds a bit...annoying. Plus the idea of ME drinking in Ireland sounds a bit...suicidal So okay, that’s a thought, though I’m not sure if I’ll have the money necessary by June or earlier.

            The other thought is to just go to London in the fall. There’s some flight & hotel packages that if I book now would be about 1,500 for 10 or 11 days. That idea is so very attractive to me and I can totally afford that, and still have ten months to save up more, bust more ass at the theatre if I have to, go out less (obviously), hey if need be clean fuckin’ houses in my maid outfit (tee hee, nothing naughty, though). I just really want to go, go, GO to my last first-tier destination, the last place on my "places I have to see before I die" list.

            But Mir,  you say, what of that whole grad school idea? I know, right? I’m still planning on applying, for reall this time this year and still sure as hell planning on going, if accepted. So part of me thinks. Shit, man, perhaps I shouldn’t jump the gun and just wait. In which case, I’ll apply in ’09 and I would start in fall of 2010, and if I fail to be accepted it could be 2011,...fuck it, maybe I can see the bloody summer Olympics. I don’t know if I can wait that long. You know? The other thing is that going there to check it out might not be a bad idea. The thought of moving to a new city all alone does frighten me. I’ve taken baby steps into adulthood, first with school, then with moving out on my own, but in the same neighborhood as I was already spending most of my time. I’ve never taken such a leap as to move a new city all alone with no social support system on the entire continent. So it might not be a bad idea if I traveled on my own for 10 days or so and checked out the city and how I fare.  I mean, even with people blowin’ people away at Chop Suey (right by my apartment) and my neighborhood being stabby-town and all, the mean streets of London are way more hard than Seattle, it being a proper big fuckin' city and all. I mean I did well in Paris and I did well in New York, but I was never alone the whole time while in either of those places. Call me a weirdo but I would love and i think it would be good for me to take a holiday abroad all by myself. Finally, I could use a day to go to the schools I’m looking at and talk to them about how to make my application and portfolio fucking awesome...and go from there. Perhaps, even, if I get an application together early I could interview. I don’t know.  But then I start to worry about money and the debt and the loans and everything and I go back to “just wait, Mir.” And then my mind just goes round and round and round about what I should do and I get all full of anxiety and suddenly it’s one in the morning and I haven't been able to fall asleep. Then I decide to wait it out and go to sleep but then I have an apocalyptic dream and wake up thinking, seize the day! I’m only young and stupid once, right? ARG!

            Perhaps I think too much. I wish I were more impulsive sometimes.  What to do?

Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
fightinjesuit
Jan. 9th, 2009 12:57 am (UTC)
Oh man. I totally want to audit the Ireland class and go travel with McDowell. RAWR!
pandapropaganda
Jan. 9th, 2009 04:31 pm (UTC)
I'm not sure how realistic that option is at this time. However it would be fucking awesome to have someone I knew to go with *nudge, nudge* The class would be awesome, mcDowel is awesom. You could impress the wee 28year olds by telling'em "You know that prof, totally performed my wedding."
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )

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