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Ridicule is nothing to be scared of

So earlier in the week I gave my Graduate School Application Personal Statment essays to my dad to read. They were super duper rough drafts and they needed someone to read them and have editing done before Cumberland or another prof looked at them. I knew they weren't good but they killed me to write (I hate writing these things it's too much pressure) and were a start at least. I got a responce on Wed. of, long story short of "I don't even know where to begin. I know you can do better than this, This is painfuly bad." I mean I knew it was bad but...jesus. So that sent me into a two day spiral of depression and temptation to jump in front of busses becasue I don't know what else to do with myself.

I hate this angst of questioning my worth and ability even though I know it's par for the course when applying to grad school. It's the constant teetering between thinking "GAWD I SUCK! Why should I even bother? I'm not going to make it. I might as well just be content with my lot, or fully pursue that alcoholism that's been going around in the family and give up on trying anything ever." Then of course I'd stop myself and think "No, that's just self-depricating talk, you can't let it cause you to quit. Cathy applied three times and didn't quit and now she's in her dream program. Even if there's no guarentee that you'll succeed the only guarentee that you wont succeed if you quit." Suddenly old addages of 'Nothing ventured nothing gained.' 'Quitters never win and winners never quit.' stand out in the mind like a "hang in there baby' poster in a counselors office. It's been this constant back and forth keeping me up at night and I wake up exhausted from it. Then when people, especially Dorothy the sweetie, ask whats wrong and if they can help the answer if inevitibly no. That's what sucks most. I want to yell, "help me! Tell me what I'm supposed to do! Tell me what I'm supposed to write! Give the the confidence in myself that doesn't sound like empty words!" But it doesn't work that way. The test is all on me.

Anyway I didn't want to dwell on that. I've been at Onlne for about four hours now and I have abandoned everything I worked on on Wednesday and earlier this morning for a different approch. Everyhting I got from Seattle U about these essays (even fron the English department) sent me in the direction of writing really dry cover letter like five paragraph essays about myslef, which is obviously not working. Now everything I've been reading online suggests to avoid that approach.  So I'm going to find a theme and go with it and at least try to sound interesting. I got one theme potential an opening paragraph. (I feel like Howard Moon with his sentence he shows to publishers.) That's something. That'll do for now. I gotta get out of this uncomforatble chiar and get ready to pull my schoolgirl outfit together, bartend, then see my mates at the club. I think I really need that drinking social friend time.

Big hugs to those who cared, even if was stand-offish and weird lately. Hugs also to Adam Ant, which I can't believe it took me this long to getting around to getting into, been good background music to my hours and hours of tedious not-quite-writing this blasted essay.

Comments

( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
antigrl117
Sep. 19th, 2009 10:12 pm (UTC)
If I got into grad school, you will too.

Those essays are pretty much the suck. I had a really hard time writing mine and honestly, I think the only reason they were finished on time is because I was up against a deadline and I had my uber, uber smart friend edit them (and add fancy words). I'm guessing that and my GPA got me in, because it definitely wasn't my GRE scores...

If you need another set of eyes, I'm online quite a bit :p haha.

pandapropaganda
Sep. 21st, 2009 09:35 pm (UTC)
With this essay there's extra pressure to write particularly well since I am asking for more education to further my writing career. That's what particularly freezes me up.

Luckily applying to the UK I don't need to take the GRE but that puts a bit more pressure on my transcript (3.35) and my essay.

Be careful what you offer. Once I have something to show someone, I'll be needing another pair of eyes. :)
jadens_world
Sep. 23rd, 2009 12:55 am (UTC)
When did passion become pressure?
pandapropaganda
Sep. 23rd, 2009 03:25 pm (UTC)
Isn't that how it normally works when you persue your passions?
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )

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