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Dirty

I hired an editor to fix my two personal statement essays. I feel kind of dirty. This must be what hiring a prostitute is like--shelling out money for something you should be able to do for yourself but for whatever reason can’t.

So, yeah, ever since I got that e-mail from my prof about how shitty my statements were I’ve been really fucking down. I haven’t given up yet though. In fact I’m obviously willing to throw down money to make it better. Still in the back of my mind I keep thinking that I might need to come to accept that this whole going back to school in the UK thing is not in my future and I’m a talentless hack. However, coming to that acceptance is not easy. Writing like the main thing I’ve been passionate about and if I accept that I’m actually no good at it and let it go, I will have lost my passion in life. Perhaps better to have just not tested it and carried on being one of those people who writes but doesn’t do anything with it. If only I could be okay with not having any direction and just keep going on as is without it getting any better but that thought breaks my heart. All those thoughts cycle around and fester in me until I have to come up with a list of reasons why I shouldn’t throw myself into the Puget Sound if my applications don’t go out or when the rejection letters come in. 1) that would make some people who care very sad (and Raye would have to find a new roommate) 2) there’s still a list of places I’d like to travel to 3) I’m very curious about how the new Dr Who will be (neardyest reason ever). I mean there’s other reasons, these beautiful mornings we’ve been having, how awesome cheese is, etc.

Perpetuating all of this is the fact that my 27th birthday is near approaching. You know me, I’m usually a big fan of my birthday, it’s my favorite holiday because it’s all mine. This year I’m kind of indifferent. On the one hand I’ll be happy to see 26 go as it was shortly after I turned 26 everything slowly fell apart. However, when I was like 14 and stupid, I thought rather fondly of that whole people who died at 27 thing. Now, of course I don’t link like that anymore and haven’t in ages. It still snuck up on me, though, and I would have at least hoped I would have been somewhat successful by now. So I don’t even know how much fun I’m gonna be on my birthday. I know I’d like to uphold the tradition of having many drinks at the Clever Dunnes on my birthday proper (Tuesday, Dec 15th) but I haven’t really put much thought into it. (And besides nothing could possibly top last years party so it’s all down hill from here, right?)

Anyway, I’ll stop whining and being a Debbie Downer. On the plus side I got lots of British comedy come my way lately—both of the live Mighty Boosh shows and all of Dylan Moran’s live stand up shows, including the show I got to see the encore run of while in London. So while I’ve been trying to keep up my end of the house cleaning, I’ve been able to listen to Moran this week and really laugh which is important.

Comments

( 5 comments — Leave a comment )
jadens_world
Dec. 4th, 2009 01:09 am (UTC)
Free snorkle with every visit.
This won't fix everything, but it will make you smile. Promise.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/kenya/

*hugs*
pandapropaganda
Dec. 4th, 2009 04:23 pm (UTC)
Re: Free snorkle with every visit.
I haven't seen that in ages. I don't have sound at work but I still remember the song. :)
stupidbaby
Dec. 4th, 2009 12:47 pm (UTC)
I like that icon Miranda, I really do. You should come visit me at work on friday or saturdays. I'll buy you some Bailey's
pandapropaganda
Dec. 4th, 2009 04:24 pm (UTC)
Can I drink said Baileys out of a shoe? ;)
stupidbaby
Dec. 5th, 2009 03:29 pm (UTC)
well the only shoe we have sitting around is open toe-ed. So you could drink the Bailey's out of it if you were a very fast sipper. ... it just might work!
( 5 comments — Leave a comment )

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