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The struggle is real

I've never been one to really put a lot of thought in the long term. Obviously with the exception of saying 'I do' to Andy at our wedding and when i signed off my life to my student loans, I really haven't had any idea of what my future is going to look like as far as 5 years in the future. 5 yeats. That's about where I top my planning. I guess becasue there are so many blodoy x factors in the universe I feel like I set my goals at like the two or three year mark where the headlights can illuminate possible obstacles. Most of my goals have been around that time. Goal 1. Get a degree (4 years). Goal 2; get a job and be a grown up for a bit (4 years)t Goal 3; Get back to school, get a degree but over there. (2 years) 4. Get a degree (1 year) Goal 5 Get married (years depend on when you start counting that, real focus was after returning from school so let's say 2 years) You see what I mean?

Even with my my show, QC, my creation, when asked "what's your ultimate goal for the show?" I find myself stuttering. I say I want it to be a success but what defines that? Is that, like, getting on TV? Is that getting a following like Emmett's got where he doesn't have to promote Weird and Awesome that much for people to go to it? I think it's the latter. But even if I achive that, how long do I intended to sustain it? I don't know. As long as I enjoy it and as long as I have the comrades to put it together and perform it. Untill I feel compelled to work on a new project that will make me happy, perhaps with less stress. I honestly don't know. I don't have an end date in mind but I also don't see if going on indefinitly lest I were to find a way to make real money with it. (And even then, it's not indefinante, I mean, Stephen Fry is leaving QI...not that I can compare myself to the national treasure that is Stephen Fry.)

I'm rambling on and this is, in fact, just background information, something I realize about myself that might need to change in light of a possible new goal in life; one which has so many long ans short term concequences.

Seattle is changing and making it really difficult to live here. The development and rental increases are booting people out of thier homes and their preferred neighborhoods left and right. It feels like if you can't afford an exorbanent amount for rent for the tiniest bit of leased space, it's like you're not welcome here anymore. I've already pointed it out what's happening with Melrose, and it's also happening to Tracie at her aprtment and it's happening to my parents this year too.

Now Andy and I are not in an apartment, we're in a home and deep enough into a neighborhood of homeowners where we should be safe from development. However, the landlord can still decide that he's not getting market rate and our rent could go up $500 or more come the summer. The fear that grips us each time a lease is up is real, you can't help but feel it's only a matter of time before the rug will get pulled out from under you. Plus with only minimal wage increases, it's impossible to get ahead with rents rising this much. The idea of Andy and I buying a house is looking more and more attractive.

I've never owned a home and my parents have never owned their home, so renting is like the status quo to me. Owning, to me, seemed scary becasue if something was broke I'd be responsibile for fixing it myself which could be costly but also there's the element of being so tied down to a place. (More on the irony of this later). Andy of course got burned in the housing market collapse in Vegas back in '09 but we're getting to the point where that's enough behind him, and with my first time buyer, that we could still get past it. However, there's no way we can afford a home in Seattle for a half million to $700,000. That's just not in the cards.

Yesterday I caught Andy looking at real estate in Astoria There was this really nice, big house for $100,000 somthing. I know that he's going through a rough time at work so I understand, when depressed, daydreaming of what your life might be like in a totally new enviroment, Different job, different home, etc. Dani, too, has been looking at property in New Hapshire, where she grew up, and she could purchase a whole church, rectory and all, for hundreds of thousands dollars less than a bungalow in Seattle would cost these days. (We talked about how cool it would be live in the rectory and turn the church into a used bookshop. I like this daydream becasue it also incorporates the daydream of living the Burnard Black lifestyle.)

The thing is when the daydreaming stops it's time to be practical and take stock of what you really want. I'm hell bent on not moving back to the suburbs. That's I guess the other longterm goal that I didn't really even think of as a goal becasue I take it for granted. When I left Edmonds I didn't want to look back. Never to return. No way. Nope. Now, if we are to look into buying that's what we'd have to settle for to stay in the area. Samuel wants us all to move to Renton, where he just bought a home last year. We all have a "yeah, good luck with that" attitude. Even then, Sam's home value has increased $50,000 since he got it. Good for him but not so great for folks like us who wouldn't be ready to buy for another year or so. maybe even settling to the burbs (god, it makes me vomit in my mouth just thinking of it) would get too pricy by then. Even if we were to move into, let's just say Renton as an example. My commute increases, Andy's commute increases. However I still have my friedns nearby-ish enough to see them in person. My folks nearby to see in person. I can still do my show, etc. Thing is I hate myself a bit for living in the suburbs and my commute is crappier. My night life is probably impared unless I learn to drive.

Then there is the more drastic option. Say we followed that daydreaming spirit and tried a new town, one where our money could go further in buying a home. Let's say we moved to Portland and got a house there (for like $300,000) It definitly feals like what Seattle used to be, but not as urban as I like. It's still PNW but a river is no match for the Sound. Then there is the case that we'd be far from friends. In a town like Portland I could still pursue doing a comedy show but would have to start pretty much all over. With no friends to go to my show when no one else does. Still a town much like Seattle without some of the problems, better transport (yeay the Max). There would be a state income tax in Oregon, but, hey no sales tax and I don't have the figures but considering Seattle's regressive tax structure and how every levey is funded by propety taxe increases, I'd guess the property tax in Oregon would be smaller. I don't know. I'd be close enough to see my friends maybe two to four times a year.

All the other cities, when I think of where I want to live are more expensive than Seattle or just plain out of reach. I mean I'd live in London again or Edinbourough in a heartbeat but that's not do-able for obvious reasons (Citizenship and expense). I'd live in Vancouver BC but not do-able for the same reasons. So domestically, where would I go. Well I love San Franscisco, but that's more expensive than Seattle, same with New York. I think Boston has a lot of things I like, trees, water, universities, but looking at house prices, nope, more expensive and that's in the suburbs too. I'm a city girl who has finally made more money in her life than ever before but feel like I can't afford to live in the city where I want to live.

Say we tried to live somwhere not near a city. Say we tried to live in Astoria or Port Townsend or even the New England town with the church that we would turn into a bookshop. My dream has been to live in a city. Not a small town. But lets say we were to give it a try. Mind you when I watch British shows that take place in these quaint English villiges I think 'aww that looks nice.' Thing is with those options, now the job prospects are so much smaller than in the city. Also it's have to be a liberal town or college town. I'd be fucked for public transport, so it's have to be walkable or I'd have to learn. All of the problems of being far from my friends would still stand and could passibly be worse. I'd be bereft of the culutre I'm accustomed to from living in the city. i want to go to plays and shows and have stuff happening. Call me a snob but I hate folk art and community theatre is a joke. I don't go to the symphony or the art museum all the time and I can't afford the opera any more but I'm happy just being near these things. It would be a completel abandonment of comedy. Maybe I could get back into writing, probably becasue I'd be board, i'd finally have the time to write, not sure where ideas would come from but maybe they'd come becasue I wouldn't be so distracted. Our money would proabaly go farther but we also wouldn't be making as much.

Then there's the question of moving away at all. I don't make friends easily. When I do, they're very close to me, case in point the 3 friends I made in London. But it was hell for me to get there. I saw how difficult it was for Cathy and Doug when they went across the country. I'm an intorovert that makes it hard for me to get to know new people but at the same time I'm also a verysocial person. I need girl time or gay boy time, time with all my peeps or just away from the person I live with now and again. I worry that I'd be too isolated and reliant on Andy for socialbility whouch could put a strain on a good marriage. Is having a house worth that much?

Then again, though, my parents are getting pushed out of their rental this year and aren't sure where they're gonna go. I don't want to be 60 years old and dealing with that shite. Also Andy has expressed that he really wants a sense of secuirty in owning a home and settling roots and that it's important to him.

Iv'e run out of time to keep musing on this, and I doubt anyones actually going to read this but this was far more for me to write out my pros and cons and think this out. 

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