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You have no idea how lucky you are if anybody read this, that I haven't had the internet at home lately.

I’ve figured out my problem.

 

For years I’ve had the problem of growing far too attached to people. In some cases this is a kind of romantic attachment in others it’s just a very close friendship. However, in both cases I figure the attachment is to make up for a lack of any kind of actual romantic or mutual love relationship in my life. So whether it’s a boy or a very close friend, I just think the world of these people. (I could name about four but I’m not gonna.) Then, inevitably, it comes to my attention that this unhealthy and desperate attachment is not mutually felt, or I find not to be reciprocated, and because my attachment is so deep, I feel betrayed, and gradually grow quite bitter. The last two of the four aforementioned unnamed people has just recently brought me to this huge and important realization. Whereas with the other two I’ve felt betrayed by while ago and have let that turn into overall bitterness. I don’t want to be a bitter bitch but it comes out, especially with drink. I especially don’t like feeling betrayed by people who, when I stop and think about it, are just trying to live their lives, so I shouldn’t be pissed when they can’t be buggard to call. Obviously once again, my attitude has to change. (Adopt, adapt and improve, darling.) So, I hereby vow to take a more nonchalant, disattached approach to life. If I surpress my stupid sentimental side I wont be the crazy cunt demanding too much of people and being inevitably pissed off when they don’t deliver. Affected, perhaps but no longer effected by the unwittingly hurtful acts of others. The aloof Mir, that’s what I’m gunna be, and that’s quite sexy too, no? Isn’t that the sexy hipster thing, act like you don’t give a shit about anything. Perhaps this falls into my “improving my worth” kick I’ve been on as well. I mean it’s better to be aloof and nonchalant than being a bitter old drunk, right? Word…I mean…whatever.

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( 6 comments — Leave a comment )
spazzingwombat
Jul. 11th, 2006 06:50 am (UTC)
I've had really strong attachments to many in my life. I generally have always had one person I've spent all my time around, often to a very literal sense. Because of family shit, the people I was close to really was my family. It was brought up to me quite a while ago that my friendships have often been very much like relationships. Or I suppose in a couple instances they became relationships... not always willingly on my part kind of strangely. It just... feels nice to be that close to someone. That does not mean that it is healthy, it is something that should be kept an eye on. Because however much I appreciated having some of these situations in my life... when they were actually returned full force (and sometimes beyond)... it was not at all realistic to keeping to two pieces seperate. The postive and the negative were stronger.
You cannot truly be with anyone else until you are really able to be by yourself. At least not in a functional way that can cope with change that is bound to happen.
I don't know. Good luck with the trying to shut off part of who you are thing? That isn't entirely healthy either, but I guess try and go with the extremes first... find the balance later.
oniglass
Jul. 11th, 2006 11:33 am (UTC)
I love you. I also think the way you interact with people is wonderful though occasionally you do expect too much. Have you enjoyed the empty apartment? Am I going to come home to aloof Mir or the Mir that will give me the biggest most wonderful Mir hug in the whole wide world when I walk in the door at roughly 9:30pm on Thursday. We should talk darling. I love you and I do not like seeing you sad.
pandapropaganda
Jul. 11th, 2006 03:47 pm (UTC)
Dude I'm gunna hug you so long when you get back! I've enjoyed an empty apartement but there were times I really really wished you were out in the livingroom to talk to. I love ya darling. Come home safe.
oniglass
Jul. 12th, 2006 10:41 pm (UTC)
I love you too!!! I miss our French girly days. I was just talking about "Untamed Heart" yesterday. I miss you so much dude... and when you get your black claw clip back from be it will have been all over the fucking place. I wore it always to be close to you. I love you and I'll see you tomorrow night around 9:30 or 10. Stay up for me and I'll give you a sweaty stinky hug before I hit the shower!
flyvapnet
Jul. 13th, 2006 07:07 am (UTC)
Alas!
Well, Mir, I hope things are looking a wee bit brighter. I've read your entry a couple of times over the past few days; but I've not replied because I know what you're talking about and I've wondered what to write in return, since it's not all that much fun for me to recall my own experiences with whimsical ex-friends.

It seems to me the advice advising you to suck it up, do the alone thing and like it, is very practical and realistic. That's what I'd have suggested, too. Yes, it's painful to realize formerly-fast friends have slipped away into the night; but what with time marching on and all, it's best (in my view) to thicken one's skin and take a Captain of My Soul approach to the near future.

This is not to be confused with adoption of an aloof or uncaring outlook. That, I believe, is a bad idea. No, I think it boils down to not subjugating one's persona to another's. To do otherwise is to invite a permanent no-peace-of-mind scenario into your life.

Photographs of Smiling Mir in a Car at the Beach need not end up as an exhibit in a Happier Days Museum of Remotest Antiquity, but rather they can be inspirational glimpses into the future. The best advice I can give you in this matter has to do with [Please turn to Page 32.] Sorry. I ran out of "Do as I say, not as I do" momentum.

=^..^=
pandapropaganda
Jul. 18th, 2006 08:01 pm (UTC)
Re: Alas!
Thanks for your comment, Mr. Cat. Sorry it took so much time for me to get back to you, I'm not at a computer (other than at work) very often at all these days.

I find my rather meladramatic responce a bit much now, with the passing of time, but I know I just need to be more aware of my problem and should stop expecting so much of others and accept.

Thank you for listening (or is it reading?...)
( 6 comments — Leave a comment )

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