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May. 23rd, 2008

Ugh it’s been a very up and down week. I wrote a long-ass blog about it yesterday but time got away from me and I didn’t finish it. Suddenly it was 3:30 and I had to leave and I closed the window before I ever got a chance to finish it. Grr. Basically the long and short of it is that I’ve been going through lots of ups and downs about grad school lately. I had a meeting with Dr. Cumberland (my old advisor from SU) to talk about school and I got a lot of good advice about where to go from here and there’s a lot more work and research to be done. After the conversation with her I know that I would have been going on this bare-assed and blind without some advice that I’m going to take, which is great. However on the other hand she asked me lots of questions, grilling me about my writing and such, questions I wasn’t able to answer on the spot and when I sat down to think about STILL wasn’t able to answer. So after Tuesday being a great meeting and knowing what I need to do, Wednesday, I had a Mir night where I was supposed to work and I just felt overwhelmed, blocked, and mediocre and just wanted to throw myself in the Puget Sound and call it a night, or life, rather.
Anyway the three things I know I need to do now (or to remember/have)
            -Research—I was advised to research more school’s programs (including local ones even though I want to go abroad, so I have a base line and know what I’m opting out of), but most importantly I have to read the writing of my could-be-profs to see whose writing is something in my alley or what I would like to learn. Thankfully, the internet makes this very easy and I’ve books on hold from my potential profs on hold at the Seattle library already.
            -Reflection—This is what has got me really down the other night. She asked me to characterize my writing and as I stammered trying to describe it she kind of abruptly interrupted me and said “so who cares?” It was abrasive for a reason, she was trying to see if I knew who my audience is when I write and honestly I don’t. I have to really work on my writing and be able to defend it if I’m going to try to sell it to someone, or convince someone that it is worth my using their time to teach me to improve. (that’s where I started getting really down on myself)
            -Tenacity—This word never actually came up in the meeting but it’s something I took away from it. I am going to get discouraged and overwhelmed throughout the process (obviously, seeing as how I already have) but quitting isn’t going to do me any good. This sounds dumb, but toward the end of my conversation about grad school applications, me we ended up talking about ANTM (ha!). Eventually she brought it back about school and reminded me that all those girls want to be models and are all beautiful but the ones who do well are the ones who listen and take direction. So I walked away figuring that just wanting it isn’t enough but I really have to go through all these rigorous steps suggested to me by someone who’s done this and is in the academic world, keep working at it, and just not give up when it gets hard or I get down. Even if I don’t get accepted, try again. I’ve always thought of myself as ambitious, but I’m not sure how tenacious I am. Need to work on that.
Damn that turned into a long blog after all. (though still shorter than the other. No wonder I never finished it yesterday)

"Comment on this post and I will choose seven interests from your profile. You will then explain what they mean and why you are interested in them. Post this along with your answers in your own journal so that others can play along."
bessie smith – I love Bessie Smith. I don’t listen to her as much these days as I used to but when I’m struck in the right mood (usually really down) she’s great. She’s also really fun to sing along with (especially when drunk, as she was) because she just belted out the songs. 

french '60's music – Nino Ferrer is one of my favorite artists ever (and I have some other fun French ‘60’s tunes as well). I know that no one else will understand the love I have for this genera but, who cares, it makes me happy. The songs are catchy, fun to sing along with and delightfully campy. 

please kill me – The oral history of Punk. I love this book. I like books (especially in the summer) that I can just pick up and read from any page and be entertained and this is the ultimate book for me of just that. I love reading about who was banging who back in NY in the 70’s. I like hearing about the golden age of CBGB’s and all the bands hanging out together. I even don’t mid reading about what an asshole Lou Reed was and David Bowie was. 

spelling bees –I can’t spell. (If you read my blog you already know this.) But I am impressed by those who can.  Also, I don’t particularly like children. Watching the national spelling bee is watching the LEGAL TORTURE OF CHILDREN. Those kids can spell things that I couldn’t dream of spelling and it puts me in amazement and awe, but watching their little eyes pop out of their sockets when they hear the word they have to spell is priceless. Watching them sweat and watching their little hearts break as they walk off stage, it’s fantastic. I get really into it and even though it is torture, I do, end up rooting for a couple of them every year. 

surrealism – I love modern art, including Surrealism. It used to be my favorite genera in modern art but now, not as much. Ernst, Dali, Margarette, it’s all good.

voyeurism – I like to just sit around and watch people. I like evesdropping. Back when I was more shy it was what I lived by, sitting at cafes and never talking to people but alwasy watching and listening. People are interesting, what can I say. It's why I don't really mind going to a cafe alone, or even to the Dunnes and drinking alone becasue people around me are just endless entertainment. 

warhol stars – I know that they’re all assholes, drug addicts and snobs, but damn it I’m attracted to that sort of thing. It’s kind of my equivilant to the high school neardy girl who wants to be with the “in” crowd. I totally want to be in some snobby club with drugs and art. Also it’s interesting to me to learn about who was banging who, doing that drug, as with the Please Kill Me (above).

wow I guess that wasn't so short either. jeeze.

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