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A Nose by Any Other Name Would be as Big.

So last night I was bar tending at the theatre. Thursdays are pay what you can night, and often the more weird regulars tend to come those days. So, this guy came in and got a drink right before the show was about to start and pulled me into his conversation with his friend by saying, “Like you,” he said pointing to me, “You’ve acted here before, right?”

            “Me? No I don’t act. I’ve done the odd curtain speech but I predominantly just work the bar.”

            “Oh maybe that’s where I’ve seen you. A nose like that is hard to forget.”

            “That’s $2 for the Pabst.”


WTF? Way to make a girl fell shitty, dude. Thanks. So I mentioned it to my dad later and he did make me feel better that its highly possible that the trade “Staley Nose” I’ve been burdened with all my life might come from an adopted great great grandfather who could have been Jewish originally. That made me excited, actually, and could explain my attraction to nice Jewish boys, including the one at the theatre that I’ve a crush on right now. That’s going well. He was adorably awkward each time he approached my bar last night. **gush** Poured coffee creamer all over the front of him, at one point. Came up and started to almost say something before Miranda called him away. Good times.


Anyway in light of my nose insult last night, here’s the comebacks could have replied with, say had I been Steve Martin in the move Roxanne.


C.D. Bales: [challenged to think of twenty jokes better than "Big Nose"] Let's start with... Obvious: 'scuse me, is that your nose or did a bus park on your face? Meteorological: everybody take cover, she's going to blow! Fashionable: you know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore something larger, like... Wyoming. Personal: well, here we are, just the three of us. Punctual: all right, Delbman, your nose was on time but YOU were fifteen minutes late! Envious: Ooooh, I wish I were you! Gosh, to be able to smell your own ear! Naughty: uh, pardon me, sir, some of the ladies have asked if you wouldn't mind putting that thing away. Philosophical: you know, it's not the size of a nose that's important, it's what's IN IT that matters. Humorous: laugh and the world laughs with you. Sneeze, and it's goodbye, Seattle! Commercial: hi, I'm Earl Scheib, and I can paint that nose for $39.95! Polite: uh, would you mind not bobbing your head? The, uh, orchestra keeps changing tempo. Melodic: Everybody. He's got...
Everyone: [singing] The whole world in his nose!
C.D. Bales: Sympathetic: aw, what happened? Did your parents lose a bet with God? Complimentary: you must love the little birdies to give them this to perch on. Scientific: Say, does that thing there influence the tides? Obscure: whoa! I'd hate to see the grindstone. Well, think about it. Inquiring: when you stop to smell the flowers, are they afraid? French: saihr, ze pigs have refused to find any more truffles until you leave! Pornographic: finally, a man who can satisfy two women at once! How many is that?
Dean: Fourteen, Chief!
C.D. Bales: Religious: the Lord giveth... and He just kept on giving, didn't He? Disgusting: Say, who mows your nose hair? Paranoid: keep that guy away from my cocaine! Aromatic: it must wonderful to wake up in the morning and smell the coffee... in Brazil. Appreciative: Oooh, how original! Most people just have their teeth capped.
[he pauses, pretending to be stumped, while the crowd urges him on]
C.D. Bales: All right. Dirty: your name wouldn't be Dick, would it?


( 5 comments — Leave a comment )
May. 22nd, 2009 09:40 pm (UTC)
Wtf? I can't even believe that. You should have blown your nose at him. Or broken his nose with your fist and been like, "And I'll make sure you don't forget yours, either!"
May. 25th, 2009 12:39 am (UTC)
Blow your nose at them? he he he. I need someone to insult me whilst I'm all snotty.
May. 23rd, 2009 03:36 am (UTC)
You have a distinctive nose, own it and rock it, it's hot and suits you.
May. 25th, 2009 12:36 am (UTC)
Awww, thanks. :)
May. 26th, 2009 06:07 pm (UTC)
I agree with Dan! You have a great nose!!!!
( 5 comments — Leave a comment )

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