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Can't Sleep...

I got an e-mail from Goldsmith's accommodation department yesterday saying that my card didn't go through for my deposit to secure my room. So I set my alarm for 1:30 in the am to call them first thing in the morning thier time (and technically mine as well, you could argue). It's all sorted now. All is well. Only when I tried to go back to sleep it was a no go.

It was a really stressful day at work today...err yesterday. Then after work I went home to help Raye tidy up the apartment to meet the girl she found interested in the room. Raye met with her over the weekend and got a really good vibe. She worked at the Specialties that Raye used to work at, had an early schedule and all and seemed really laid back. Raye was so relived to have this resolved so easily with someone she could get on with. Well the girl showed up and we showed her around the apartment. She still seemed interested and even said she was excited. She signed a thing with Raye and everything as said she could have the money by Friday. When she left we were pretty certian that it was all sorted. Finally, something going smoothly. But then an hour or two later she texted Raye and said she had changed her mind and said that it was just too small. Raye was really upset, defeated and thrown back into anxiety. I don't what it was that really turned her off, if it really was the size of the room, or if it was something else. Why didn't she say something when she was here? Was it just too much pressure, did she sence a certian air of desperation? Were we too honest with the quirks of the building? Should I not have been there? I don't know. Maybe I'm just a weirdo for liking such a "small" room.

Raye was really upset and I was not left unphased. She went to bed and I retreated to my room to try to read but I was distracted. For a while I actually thought about bagging the whole thing. I felt terrible for putting everybody I care about through so much stress. Like I'm being selfish. I know so many people close to me having a hard time. The economy and job market being what it is, friends loosing jobs or not being able to find new ones it's like everything's falling apart and I'm just fucking off to live my dream. If the country was a sinking ship and we all rats on it then I'm the douchbag rat that's found some sort of life raft and is just rowing away to a far off land mass, not picking up any fellow rats, and indeed mooning my bare little rat ass in mockery as I drift away.*

Maybe that's an over dramatic metaphor if not a completely silly one. I just felt overwhelmingly bad and the part of the book I was reading (for school) wasn't really helping either. I thought for a while that maybe my obligation to stay outweighed my selfish wish to go. Then I remembered how long I've worked on this, how everything is falling into place--I've got money and a place to live. Anyway It was perhaps only a half hour or so lapse but still....boo.

*On a complete side note not at all related to my entry: Speaking of rats. I was walking to Andy's a couple weeks ago and when I was at interbay, by Peir 90, I saw in the corner of my eye floating in the  in the water a little hollowed out half watermellon floating. For a breif moment, when I turned to look more closely in it I was actually disapointed by not seeing little mice in vests and hats rowing in it, a la The Rescuers sytle. Disney has obviously slightly warped my mind from an early age. I was kind of baffeled when I realized what I hoped I would see and that I was actualy dissapointed. Anyway... on that note time to try to get some sleep.

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November 2017


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