?

Log in

No account? Create an account

Previous Entry | Next Entry

Rough week

So much sadness and anxiety this week. I haven't posted in a while. I wish I had gotten around to posting about fun stuff in May like the paint-balling outting and Samuel's Memorial Weekend BBQ but for now I just need to purge the negative stuff. Bare with me.

There's a weighty sadness hovering over Seattle for the past few days. The year so far has seemed more violent than usual in my city, the past few weeks especially with shootings on memorial day weekend and the man who was killed by a stray bullet while in his car with his family last Thursday. People were worried and confused by the spike in crime and shootings but I think contributed it somewhat to gang activity. Then on Wednesday it hit a bit more close to home. A man went into a U-District Cafe and started shooting, killing three people, then fled downtown car-jacked and killed a woman on First Hill, then fled to West Seattle where he ditched the car, was found and shot himself. (For anyone reading not in Seattle.) It was a stressful day as it was hours before the whole man-hunt came to its conclusion. Plus, when I say this one hit closer to home it does for me at least on two counts. On the one hand two of the folks who were killed in the cafe were friends of friends of mine. I didn't know them but I see my friends grief playing itself out on Facebook, (different friends from different areas of my acquaintance) or seeing their crying faces in the newspaper. That and the car jacking/murder on First Hill happened just a block and an half from where I was at the time. On Wednesday I was putting in an hour of work at the daycare before I had an interview for a job at SU. I was just finishing up some work before heading out the door to go up the hill to my interview when a teacher called Marna and we heard what had happened. It happened right by the bus stop I was going to use in front of Town Hall. I stupidly got on a 2 at the Library, instead but the bus had to be rerouted when it got to the crime scene and dropped me off right back where I stared at work. This took 20 minutes. So I had to hop in a cab to get to SU on time, all the while texting Andy  back and forth. I got to my interview on time but was really frazzled and stressed. I know that sounds like I'm saying that the whole thing was such and inconvenience to me which sounds really self absorbed but lets face it it was stressful for everyone. I can't imagine how people in can live under such stress all the time in high crime cities let alone war torn chaotic cities. It was a rough day for everyone in Seattle, I think.

So that has put a grey cloud over the city, in addition to the grey clouds that are naturally here.

For me personally I'm also really down on account of the job hunt. Yesterday morning I spent a good twenty to thirty minutes crafting a good thank you letter to my interviewers at SU only to get an immediate "thanks for your time but we've gone with another candidate." That and I got a rejection for a job at a school (doing similar job to my current one at the daycare) that I interviewed with last week (had to pay to take a cab to that one too because the stupid bus never came). I feel so worthless. I'm feel I must be horribly off-putting in person to get so many interviews and so many rejections. It just want to give up and get some job flipping burgers at Jack'n'The Box where I don't have to jump through hoops to impress people anymore. So what if I have a masters degree I'm obviously rubbish and not worth employing I might as well crawl into fast food service and die. Thing is, they probably wouldn't hire me either.

Plus, there's extra pressure to get a job--any job--so I can contribute and we can get out of our little apartment where everything's a bit unstable as well. Our next door neighbors and apartment managers couldn't handle the landlord woman who took over and moved out last month. The landlord has made no effort to contact tenants and if she's a bad as she sounds we don't want to deal with her either (or the rumor that she might move in next door). No one knows what is going on, who to give rent to, if rents are going up, who to contact with issues nothing. It makes everyone a little nervous. But on one income Andy and I can't afford to move right now.

Then yesterday the drunk-hick-douchebag who lives in the building behind us came by to complain about Sparky barking while we are out. (I was out feeding the kitties at my rents when this happened so I wasn't there.) This coming from the same guy who sits on his deck listening to classic rock and drunkenly talking loudly at all hours of the night right by our bedroom window, Andy had some words to say back to him. The guy is threatening to call authorities to have Sparky taken away. I'm only working 12-16 hours a week but I don't feel it's fair to Sparky to leave him in a little cage for that long of time. And what if I were to actually be employed for 8 hours a day, that would be just cruel to him. He is a barker when he sees other dogs and he seriously looses his shit whenever the mailman comes. This weekend we're going to try to rearrange the living room so he cant see out the window anymore (though he just knows when his nemesis the mail man is on the block). However, our apartment is so small and our furniture so bulky that I'm not sure if there's a better layout than what we've got.

It's just another reason we need to find a new place but since I can't get work we're stuck. We're stuck and I feel like it's all my fault. I'm the one not pulling my weight. I'm the one who put myself in this situation. Yesterday, for the first time, I regretted going to London and getting my degree. Yesterday I figured that I never should have left my job. I should have just let the dream pass for the benefit of job security...
...and it's when people start thinking like that that you know something's wrong with the world.

Enough of my bitching. Other people are hurting far more than me this week. I haven't lost anyone. I haven't been a victim of violence. The old jewish mother in my head reminds me "you've still got your health."

Comments

( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
aeme
Jun. 2nd, 2012 04:27 am (UTC)
*hugs*
pandapropaganda
Jun. 2nd, 2012 06:03 am (UTC)
Thanks luv. *hugs back* :)
waldorkio
Jun. 2nd, 2012 09:09 am (UTC)
Love,
Don't worry about the things we can't control right now. As for feeling like you're not pulling weight and stuff like that, I understand, but really sweetie -- you took care of me for much longer. We're alive. We're stable enough (even though there's stress). We'll ultimately be just fine. Stop kicking yourself. You're wonderful and talented and things will go the way they ultimately need to go. If you're not finding a job right now, maybe there's a good reason we just don't know of yet. It will all work out.

Aside from that, I couldn't agree with you more. This week has been absolutely shitty. But you still have me!
pandapropaganda
Jun. 2nd, 2012 06:25 pm (UTC)
I know, love and being with you always makes me feel better.
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )

Latest Month

November 2017
S M T W T F S
   1234
567891011
12131415161718
19202122232425
2627282930  

Tags

Powered by LiveJournal.com
Designed by Tiffany Chow