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Sad day

Today I woke up to find news on Facebook that one of the commedians we had on the show, Meredith Flanders, had taken her own life this weekend.

I don't know how to process this, really. Apart from pets, grandparents and other extended family members I don't have much experience with death and grief. Certianly not with someone who was so young and had taken her own life.  No, she was not anyone I knew closely. However what I saw in meeting her was a funny, spirited, very genuine person.

She was bubbly and keen when I met her at the theatre for the show. She was very funny on stage. That was the weekend we had an awesome night on Friday but such a small crowd on Saturday we had to do a truncated show but the panel still brought it. Needless to say the only thing I was dissapointed about was the turn out. When I got back to work I went to write the panel, thanking them for participating, but Meredith had beat me to it. She sent me a private message on Facebook, thanking me for having her. It wasn't necessary, but it was sweet and appreciated. I would have had her on again, given the chance.

Meredith with Kevin(back) and Travis before the show.

Meredith and Phil had to do a tie-breaker.

From what I could tell from memorials on Facebook today my experience of her was typical of her. She was sweet. She was keen to be involved, volunteer, help people out. A lot of people said she never said a bad word about anyone--which is of note becasue, having friended a lot of comedians that have come through QC, I've witnessed how much drama can be in that scene. Also noted a lot was how she was all smiles and hugs. So all the more shocking to hear that she was in so much pain to have taken her own life. But you never know what another is really going through.

I have read all the memorials from comedians, shed tears at the loss of such a genuine person, smiled at pictures of her happier times, and chuckled at stories and jokes shared. Eerily though I also came across her own words in reaction to the loss of Robin Williams posted on her blog. So many layers of complicated emotions.

I have known a lot of people who have lost people to suicide and I've been sympathetic and aware that I don't emprically understand what they've gone through. I still haven't. But I think this has caused me to at least scratch the surface. If I'm having this much trouble processing the loss of an aquaintence (panelist, turned FB friend) that's nothing on losing a partner or a best friend or parent or close friend.

I'm frustratied that can't articulate this better but overall...I feel sadness that Meredith was suffering so much under the smiles and hugs. I feel sadness that she did not feel the love that has poured out for her todaey. I'm sad that Seattle and the world lost one of the good ones, a genuine person. I'm sad I didn't know her better.


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